Thu 19 Mar, 2009
I actually feel like a copy cat. You’ll see why in a minute. I’ve been completely out of touch with the blogging community. I have spent so much time lately at work that I haven’t had the time to really catch up on my reading. It was just last week that I finally saw that PTD had left his guild. I was floored… I was flabbergasted. But as I read the article…. I understood.
Today’s kind of rough day for me. It wasn’t the way I envisioned coming back to the world of blogging. I’ve been under the gun at work. Its earned me high praises, but no high praise comes without risk. Its a very high profile project. The Associate VP of our division stops by daily to see how we’re doing. Its really nice. Last week I was eating 2500-3000 calories per day, not exercising at all…. I lost three pounds. Stress is an extremely poor thing to put your body through. This morning someone told me I looked exhausted. Have I mentioned yet that I’m not sleeping???
Today… I got up early. The alarm went off at 4:30. Its my son’s birthday…. 8 years ago today he came into this world kicking and screaming. He was my first. He’s a great kid. I love him a lot.
I sat down at my computer. I always like to do some mindless dailies in the morning that kind of calms me down… gets me kind of started on my day. I pulled up the social tab. Clicked Guild. I was the only one on…. I sat there at my computer for about 5 minutes. Just thinking. Then I started to type…. /gquit…. my finger hovered over the enter key for a long time…. then in one swift stroke… it fell.
Rewind: How did we get here?
Its not an easy question. I’m sure a bunch of people have a million questions. Years ago I was just happy to attend my first raid ever. I was so excited. I was going into Molten Core. It was both thrilling and utterly mortifying. I’m a feral druid with crap gear expected to heal. Yeah… oh… and heal this Main Tank… just for giggles.
Fast forward. I’m in Burning Crusade. Our guild isn’t big enough to go into Kara on our own. So we team up with another guild (eventually going into a merger) and work on Kara. Kara we were noobs. We didn’t know what we needed. We didn’t know how to lead… we didn’t know how to follow. We were fumbling in the dark like a bunch of over excited high school kids.
Enter Northrend…. seasoned raiders… seasoned raid leader. Somewhere along the way. I transformed. I’ve never really wanted to be in a hard core raiding guild. My guild wasn’t that. ISCA was a very interesting eclectic mix of people. You have your nuts… you have your PVPers… you have your well… I’m trying to think of a demographic we didn’t cover. The point is… we had all types.
My role had transformed. I was the overall raid organizer. The plus side is that policy and process largely fell to me. The down side is that policy and procedure fell to me. Having an unusual mix of people meant that constantly you were stuck in the middle between various factions trying to sort out how to keep everyone moving forward. I’ve made a million suggestions in the last 4-5 months… most of which have been shot down, filled full of holes and rejected. Its not that big of a deal. You can’t please everyone.
As time progressed though, I was stuck increasingly in the role of bad guy. Everyone wanted an opinion with a rare few willing to do the work associated with said opinion. Every decision was met with questions. Every night turned into a horde of whispers from various people. Hell I almost installed a chat tracking program to assist with keeping it all straightened out. God forbid I respond to the wrong person when two people are bitching about one another at the same time.
Its one of the dirty parts of the job that I accept. When you are the end all be all of raiding everyone and their brother has a question. The hard part is being stuck between the factions. While all guilds to a certain extent have factions, my old guild had a lot of internal politics that kind of hover below the surface. Its as if you speak of them and call them by name they’ll somehow transform into something worse.
Decision Point
I’ll admit it. I logged in tonight. I met up with someone to sync some SK lists. Then I really pondered what to say. I’ve dedicated almost 2 years to this guild by now. God … had it been so long? Two years is a very long time, but yet… *sigh*
Its hard. People say, “If its so hard to go, why do it?” Because the pain of staying is worse. The GM of ISCA is by far the sweetest and nicest person I know. There’s a reason we all call her “Mom”. She’s just that sweet, wholesome person that you just love. You can’t get angry with them. You just hate to let them down. Yet… there I was…. tears in my eyes not sure what to say. Earlier today… I told her I was going to go.. and then I just went off to cry.
Its just staggering how central to your life these people become. I have a family. I love them dearly. But the guild is in many ways.. family. Their quirky. They drive you up the wall, but you love them all the same. Yes… even that insane guy who talks about boobs nonstop. (We call him “Mr. Boobie”)
The reality is… after all the time. Stress grew. My life at work is a mess. I have such a high stress level at work, that I really need the game to be stress free. Plus my needs have changed. What I want out of raiding is different now. I stared at a system… I couldn’t fix. And some might say, “why not let someone else fix it while you have a good time?” That’s not how I’m wired. I’m wired to get involved. I can’t just sit back and let it go. It tears me up inside even more.
Left Wanting
I should really dig and find the articles that need to link to this section.. but honestly… I’m tired.. and the only way I’m ever going to get this posted is to skip it.
The blogging community is great… and a curse. Its not that its a curse because it isn’t informed.. intelligent and just full of knowledge. Its a curse because it shows you what other people want. It shows you what other people have. At the end of the day..I found myself wanting.
I blame two people… well two people that really heavily influenced my thoughts on this. Matticus and The Big Bear Butt… yes. In many ways its their fault. Ok… no its my fault, but I blame them for showing me the path.
I followed Matticus through his transformation pre WoTLK. The decisions he had to make were even harder. He was part of a very successful raiding guild, but there was something more he wanted. He knew there was something even better he could build. He really wanted to build a guild where people were smart… self motivating, and driven to succeed. That is in part… what I want in raiding. I want to know my raiders are smart. They can research for themselves and not need me to always tell them the best spec, the best gem, or the best enchant. I want them to be driven to say… how do I get from 1500 DPS to 2000 DPS… Once they hit 2000DPS, I want them to ask, “How do I get to 2500 DPS?”. Etc. I want to know… that they are driven to always be looking at ways to improve.
Now Bear… I blame him for an entirely different reason. Bear is kind of my muse for a different aspect. I’m the father of three. I have a lot of times that I feel it important to be there for my kids. I want my wife to feel supported. Bear though so many times talks about how his raiders react. I think one of the things that sticks most in my mind is that his people, play hard when they want to play. When they want to raid… they raid serious. So from that perspective, what I gleaned from that was that for his crew, everyone always shows up willing to give it their all. They always bring pots, foods, enchants, and when they raid… they raid. Its business. But when they are messing around on alts… its all about messing around. Its about the ability to shift directions without having to worry about someone showing up unprepared.
I”m sorry, but I do need to blame one more person… well technically I need to blame his old Guild. PTD belonged to a guild by the name of Bandits Reborn. You can say what you like about them, but there was one practice that just floored me. I was reading through one of their forums one day. I was looking at a sign up for a raid of 10 man Naxx. Now ordinarily I’m used to seeing a ton of enthusiastic people, but what caught me most was a maturity I hadn’t expected. No less than three people had signed up and then withdrawn. Now this may not seem odd to some, but it was the reason that struck me. They withdrew themselves from consideration from the raid because they knew they weren’t ready. They knew that their gear wasn’t up to snuff and that their DPS was sub par. The ability to examine oneself and then make the assessment that you just aren’t ready? Now that is indeed a rare quality.
Have I mentioned.. I’m not sleeping well? Well its 11:00.. and I’d probably best get to sleep… more some other day.
Gnomeaggedon says:
Rest easy.
It’s a hard decision, one I faced with the majority of the guild leadership of an old guild.
In the end we all gracefully handed over the reins, stepped down and rerolled elsewhere so we could bring back some of the joy we experienced that we first created the guild.
It took us all close enough to 2 years before we were prepared to join guilds again… even now we are spread between different guild.
Enjoy being unguilded (This is something that a lot of people find very hard), enjoy playing for yourself.
Gnomeaggedons last blog post..Neutral Auction Houses
Larísa says:
Ouch. But it sounds like you did a wise decision. Even though it’s tough and makes you cry just to think about it, I suspect that you feel strangely easy at the same time. A huge weight has been taken away from you. You can go in any direction you want now. Azeroth is huge. Take the time you need to deal with your loss. And when you’re done: go out in the sunshine, fill your lungs with fresh air and just enjoy! The adventure is still out there, around the corner.
Larísas last blog post..A post about emotions, passion and my need for ironskin
Kyrie says:
As a player, I have faced this many times, even in the “hardcore” and organized gaming world. Real life stress, WoW stress….the “Holy crap when did this stop being a game and start being a second job?” It wears at you. I’ve been playing the game since launch. People will drive you nuts, regardless. If its not from their lack of effort, its from their lack of consideration, if its not that it’s suddenly you realize your in a guild full of complete assholes who think their shit never stank. There is no lack of things that will make you unhappy/stressed out in Wow. I think of it this way, there is no pleasing everyone, and you can’t teach everyone how to play, or to act like a human being instead of an asshat. You must find what fits you. It’s your gaming experience, your money, your free time. Anyone who even breaths a word about it any different than that is just as dysfunctional as the relationship that is making you weep despite yourself day after day. That relationship? The one you have with the game. We all search for that place in WoW that we can stomach as we slam up against content and grinds day after day. I have recently moved away from the “hardcore” once again, and I have to say..when done right, the casuals are a lot less stressful…and actually..*gasp* fun. So there is hope out there! Good luck with your efforts, and remember to breath.
<3 Kyriie of Malygos
lotharn says:
Enjoy being unguilded – I have been (as a holy priest) for 2 years now. Everything in WoW is puggable and the funny thing is that being unguilded is almost like being guilded – you all end up knowing each other! Since WOTLK came out I’ve got myself to exalted with all factions and seen naxx and other 10 and 25s. Of course there’s been groups that failed, and groups with idiots but as you explain – that happens with guilds as well! Difference is, with a guild, you end up feeling guilty.
Osethme says:
Here’s to forging ahead with like-minded folks.
Osethmes last blog post..What a Long, Strange Trip
Obamagical says:
Because the pain of staying is worse.
Crumble says:
Leaving that same place was hard for me as well Star. It is painful to watch others walk away, and then slowly come to realize just why they did it. Floating around before on my previous different guild excursion (and server excursion), and now this one has introduced me to people I would have never met before, so it has been great… Even though I still think about those I don’t even really talk to on a regular basis now because of the departure.
Either way it still amazes me (this being my first MMO) how much of a social aspect plays into these games, and how much it affects you as your character in game. The bleed over between RL and in game is almost frightening.
Best of luck on the new adventure, I am sure I will see ya soon.
Wren says:
I’m sorry this is what it became in the end. Not a blog entry I liked reading… Not because your reasons for leaving are incorrect but because it means you leaving the guild. I wish people were more respectful and believed in you in Wrath as much as they did in TBC…I dont know how it happened or why peoples mindsets changed all of a sudden, but it wasnt right. Where’s K4 when you need him? He wouldnt of let this happen!
. You may have left the guild but you’re still on my friends list and you will get /w from me whether you like it or not! 
. Tell your wife I miss dodging snowballs hehe
/em platonic man hug
Drood says:
Just offering a /hug.
Not two years, but 8 months in mine and raid leader too….like you a guild that tries to cater for all tastes but doesnt really tell its members some basics, and wonders why a great 10 man cant make a 25. That the stresses of a RL, putting his guild before family (similar ages btw) 3 nights a week, and dealing with work issues, are massive right now.
All it took was that 1 person having a go, at the wrong time, and yep…I walked.
And you’re right…officer chat is a cosy club, guild chat a laugh a minute, but as RL there were 10-15 /w chats per night, “Am I in”, “Can you give me 15 more mins to get organised pls”, its exhausting.
I too cried when I left….it was horrible. it was agonising to read all the /w pleading with me to come back.
I rejoined though…maybe I made the wrong choice, but I think the guild was about to rip itself apart and I couldt stand and watch that.
/relate…good luck
Matticus says:
I think you just about hit the core message of my blog and my beliefs which will always continue to be to do what you want with the people that you want. A common symptom of guild breakups that I see is that there are too many players who try to dictate the course of the guild with their own reasons and motivations. Like you said, you had your different set of factions and it gets hard.
It’s hard because you like them all and you wish they could all work together and believe in one common goal. That’s something I realized. I would never recruit socials deliberately. I wouldn’t pick up PvPers. I wouldn’t invite players that wanted to raid once a week. Yeah you can’t please everyone. My aim’s gone from that to trying to piss off as little amount of people as possible. Not a day goes by that I don’t second guess my choices and decisions. Every once in a while I think about just throwing it all away and being a grunt again.
Now the question remains. What will you do next? With your new responsibilities a work, will you continue to be a part of the game?
Matticuss last blog post..PTR Alchemy Changes
PTD says:
It is tough, Star. I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you in ISCA. It seems things changed for a lot of guilds, at least from my perspective, since Wrath hit. I’m not quite sure what it is, but something is different. I had to take my own path as well, and I had been with that guild since Horizons, a year before WoW even came out.
It was tough, to be sure. But it was also quite, quite relieving. When I realized how often I was getting frustrated in that guild, I knew the time was right to move on. I took a 2 week sabbatical, guild free, and have latched on with the folks that I’ve been raiding with since BC anyhow. (PT, in case you were wondering.) We’ll see if that works out, I sure hope so.
I hope things work out for you as well!
PTDs last blog post../gquit, Homelessness, and Warhammer
Big Bear Butt says:
Excuse me a minute while I delurk…
I’m sorry that things went down like that for you. Sometimes, the fear of being guildless is incredible when you have good friends where you are, even if you’re not happy.
I know when I left my last guild, it wasn’t because I suddenly disliked everyone and ‘vanted to be alone’.
In some cases, I knew ahead of time I was going to miss some friends terribly, and a friends list is just NOT the same. A shared chat channel means shared whimsy among your friends, shared experiences. Whispers are just little ‘thinking of you’ moments, they’re not quite the same.
But you have to do what’s right for you, and in my opinion you made a hard, but good choice. You chose to only spend your time with people you enjoyed being around. And you were tired of playing with some people that you felt didn’t respect the others enough to care when it came time to raiding.
I bet some of the people you left behind in the guild are going to be dearly missed. Don’t be surprised if they miss you too.
If it’s the fun of playing with your friends you end up missing more than the raiding… don’t forget you can always try and form a new guild of your own. Even if it’s just for the alts of you and the friends who are still in the other guild… playing together, even with low level alts, can be a wonderful time.
Good luck, my friend. Best wishes.
Big Bear Butts last blog post..Need Some Advice on Guild Forum/Sites
Alysrian says:
Your story is the story of MY WoW career. I am currently stuck in the same role that you have left. We did make the guild a smaller guild, but still there are just as many problems. And good luck getting someone else to handle them, I’ve tried. Usually, IF I step back things go to hell and back.
I am at the point where you were. I am stressed nonstop, and stay up late just to handle guild affairs. I have constant complaints that are mostly derrived from selfishness. I have people gquitting and xferring servers because of their own personal crap (AFTER getting them all geared up and progressing to #1, they are STILL not happy).
I’ve started taking the overall attitude of: “I do not care if you don’t like it, just do it.” Sure it pisses people off, but when they deal with the shit I do everyday they will understand. I cannot even begin to explain WHY it pisses me off when people want to CHANGE shit.
Currently we run 2 10man groups and sub out for bosses we don’t need. The system works well and people are always getting gear. Sure our cores are bored because they don’t need anything, but we made that choice. NOW, I have about half the guild wanting to run a 3rd 10man group just to get some action (which derrived from everyone wanting the LK achievement…). But, the people wanting that group? Mostly non-officers who do NOT see how many problems TWO groups have let alone THREE.
Too much stress, I might just take your route and call it.